Looking back

As I look back, two years have passed since I first came to Curtin Sarawak.

It was on the 23rd February 2006 when I landed in Miri, a resort-city which I was gonna spend my next two years, studying in Curtin Australia's offshore campus. I was reluctant though, when I first made my decision to further my studies here. I'm a Kuching boy, hoping to go to bigger cities or metroplitan for studies, but eventually I ended up in a just-turn city with less than half of Kuching's population, in this place they call Miri.

Nevertheless, 2006 was one of the best years in my life.

I was 18 back then. Young and energetic. On the 13th March 2007, the results of SPM was released. I secured straight A1's in the exam. I was crowned as one of the top students. I had a result that arguably every student would envy of. Not boasting, but I have all straight A's in all 3 of my public exams since primary.

I had a beautiful resume. I was the chairpersons of clubs in secondary, and now with my result, things were almost perfect for me. The moments when I got to know the result were ecstatic, even as I reflect back now.

This wasn't the only best thing that I experienced that year.

2006 was the year that I started my first relationship. The first time that I confessed to the girl I liked, and it worked out. Being the first for both of us, it was all sweet and nice, albeit it's a long distance relationship.

I was even offered a scholarship for medicine to Czech in Europe by the government. It was like a dream for everyone to have a government scholarship for overseas studies. Owing to the fact that the course is not what I favour, I turned it down. It was a long story to tell though about this.

It was also the year that I turned into a serious christian. I dare not to say I'm a very devoted one, but my faith has given me the meaning of life in Christ.

I was on top of the world then. Those few months taste better than the sweetest chocolate on earth. I was in ecstasy. I was completely overwhelmed with joy. Those were the happiest times I experienced since a long while.

Or perhaps it weren't.

Being offered the scholarship for a course which wasn't actually my choice, I turned it down. But I was kinda frustrated though when I see some less qualified students being offered to prestigious places like France or Japan. Heck, never mind about that. I'm contented with Czech, but it wasn't my choice. I tried applying other scholarships. In which I receive no feedback from them. Be it Petronas or Sime Darby or any other. No feedback. In fact I see many more very-much-less-qualified students who got the offer. I'm not talking about racism here. Those that I know, many of them are Chinese like me too. Some even come from much well-to-do family than mine. Running family business and all that while my dad's only a government servant.

Year 2007 came, and I soon found myself deep down in the valley.

I'm only 19, supposedly still young and energetic as how I was in 18, yet I found myself so helpless in many aspects of life.

Feeling the dejection from the turn-down of scholarships, I felt that there ain't really much meaning of studying anymore. Call me kiasu, but honestly I studied hard all these while cos I was hoping for overseas scholarship that can ease my parents' burden. More people who did much poorer in studies and yet get better offers from me. So what's the point?

My academic started to slump. My average dropped from 80 above to 60. Plus, I don't enjoy the course that I'm in at all. I started to care less. And things went wrong. I wanted to gain back my performance as how I was, yet I failed to do so. I got selected for interview by Shell scholarship, and yet I was turned down, again. This time I guess it's purely because my result wasn't good enough for them.

My long distance relationship shattered, which in the end led to our separation. Just when I really did try to appreciate more and try to gain her back, she's gone. She's gone.

Heck I even failed my driving test ridiculously.

My self-esteem was at its lowest. I doubt myself. I scolded myself. I blamed myself why am I so. I wanted to change. But I just don't get the strength. I was wrong in so many things. In terms of my mentality. For my studies or for my relationship.

I'm down.

Year 2007, is the worst year in my life. At least thus far, it is.

I was wrong before. But I realise my wrongs. I was blind, but now I see.

Next year I'll be 20, another milestone of my life.

Forgetting the past, be it successes or failures, I really crave for a change in me.

I'm looking forward for your come back, Kenneth.

Hope to see you at the top again.